Oh hai!

This is a community of odd ducks:
http://spaceghetto.st/sgd/

This has music I like, and if you go a few pages back, there are downloadable mixes...yeeeee!
http://ghettoblastersandswitchblades.blogspot.com

This is one of my babies, Axl. She is a girl. One of my husband's roommates named her when she was a kitten w/out checking for harbls first. She's about 18yo.


Earlier this year, she had surgery to remove a tumor from her chest. I was a terrified mess at the time, but she pulled thru with flying colors. As soon as the anesthesia wore off, she was jumping up and down off the couch like a kitten despite my best efforts to stop her. Unfortunately, she has a couple more tumors, and I'm getting ready to take her to the vet to discuss whether surgery again is viable. I don't want to make her suffer because I'm too selfish to let her go, but if he thinks the chances are good I'm going to go for it. I'm not so upset this time because I've already had all this extra time with her that I didn't think I was going to have. There's plenty of time to be pissed at Death after she's gone.



Sigh...

So, back in 2006 when I dipped my toes in the water here, I didn't really enjoy the "blogger" experience. Let's ignore the fact that I couldn't figure out how to post images. The truth is I just don't know how to relax. My writing is wooden, and the repetitive IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII drives me nuts. IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIi'm selfconscious and antisocial.
So over on livejournal I mostly post images and videos as a way of communicating a bit. I have a few friends who possibly view me with trepidation (yep, paranoid as well).

So let's see, still working at a pawnshop, working my ass off. I let the bastards promote me finally and now I manage one.


I have developed a love for lolcats, and post them frequently. Yes, I know you hate them, and I don't care ;)


Yeah, I dunno, just rambling, like walking around in shoes to break them in. I turn 40 on Halloween and I still don't know who I am, but that's not necessarily a bad thing


I can't believe I'm still on Darkneuro's blogroll. If you read this, watup girl?

Got a solar plexus punch today

Everything on this blog up until now is bullshit. You should not be reading this post because my shit is boring. I'm upset and drunk and tired. It's a wonderful combination and I feel like sharing it with you. Yes, you.

Corporate America, the free market, greed, whatever, won again today in my little corner of life. I guess I needed the kick in the ass. It's entirely possible that I'll be waitressing again soon.

A really good person got fucked over today, and I am so pissed about it that I can't sit still and I can't be quiet. I've worked with these people for three years, and it's like our father died. Our boss got canned today. None of us have ever worked for someone like him, and we never will again. They made me into a boss, and a tool. If I can't bend the rules a little to help anyone, then my heart and soul are no longer in it. I can't make my living off of that much misery without those little oases of feeling like I made a difference.

My job is going to make one hell of a book someday. Today wasn't the worst day of my life, but it's in the top twenty.

Breathe.

Beauty and the Beast

Beauty and the Beast

One of my favorite things to say is that we are all animals with a thin veneer of civilization. ALL of us are animals.

I read a book once. Yes, I still read them occasionally when I'm not glued to my monitor. There are some spectacular amateur writers publishing on the internet. Reviews are air, water and food to these modern bards! Anyway, I read this book, The Life of Pi, wherein the the young Pi simultaneously accepted Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism. He simply said yes, despite the inconsistencies between them. I love that he did that. After the first hundred pages, watch out. A boy and his tiger, on a life raft. I WILL be rereading this book, hell, more than once, maybe three times.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that I take a very anthropological view of human behavior. I accept society's efforts to make rules that allow us to live together, even if I don't agree with many of those rules. I make my small contributions as our species takes its baby steps.

My original thought, beauty and the beast. Men. I love men. I love my man just the way nature made him. I accepted the animal in him and found the animal in myself. Who knew? I don't need him to be less of a man to feel respected as a woman. We've moved past that. Feminist theory, political correctness, gender issues, they all get left outside the bedroom door. There is no contradiction for me. It's funny, but this is how I've started to understand how other people have faith in their religions.

Art Camp

Have you ever lost touch with a friend with whom you used to be thick as thieves? I have.

I've always been a bit of a lone wolf, dabbling in this group or that. This one friendship lasted from seventh grade until a couple of years ago (25 years?)

I had to make the changes that always needed to be made. I think she did, too.

We're getting to know each other again. I'm very excited. Tonight is "Art Camp" night--sushi, sake, jewelry, photography, and I finally start work on a children's book. I love children's books. I'm going to have to scan in some illustrations of my favorites. An AMAZING artist asked me to collaborate on a book with her. I've realized I can't wait for inspiration to strike me, I must hunt it down and threaten to tickle it to death.

To anyone reading this, please have a great night! If you're feeling down, I hope things get better and you find a reason to smile. There is never only one choice! I'm going to go get out of my head and into my body. Works every time.

Art is what you decide it is, no other definition matters.
Go make art! Anyone can do it!

WARNING: bellybutton gazing

This is Yemaya. I originally found this (I think) at novica.com.

She is an orisha, a goddess of the ocean, mother of all, and a traveller through space and time. Starting with the Yoruba people in western Africa, she came to the "new" world on the slave ships. The orishas are part of the Santeria religion. What am I thinking? Terror, imprisonment, desperate suffering, how many went into Yemaya's arms, and the many who tried to preserve their identities while surviving the control of others. Thesis, antithesis, synthesis?

Culture, archaeological layers where the edges bleed together like watercolors. The religion of the conquered is absorbed, co-opted by the religion of the victors.

I rather enjoy sensory input that has a lot of contrast. I believe change is mostly good for me. When it comes to culture, religion, race, any institutional affiliation, I can't see the boundaries; all I see is the muddle where the colors bleed together.

I am guilty of kneejerk statements about Christianity and feminism, among many other things. I don't believe anything is simple enough for sweeping statements, generalizations, yet I still do just that when angry or on my high horse, trying to communicate. I abhor extremism, but I see the necessity for it. The only way to define anything, for me, is to describe it relative to something else. Relative.

Very little, if anything, seems stationary enough to provide a definite point of reference. The relationships are what matters. What do I have in common with you? If you are here, then you are an explorer. Me too! I don't expect to figure it all out, but I have a fear of frittering away the journey.

Ow, my head hurts. Enough already. Not from my silly ramblings this time, but because I can't figure out how to post a second image into this particular post. My add image button does absolutely nothing. If I use Picassa, I believe the new image will be in a separate post. Hmm. A puzzle. Can't quit thinking about the puzzle. . .

Gravity--it's the law

Notes to self:

• don't post here or comment on anyone else's blog when I have PMS
  
• don't post in the morning
• don't post when my blood sugar is low
• don't post after more than one cocktail
• don't make sweeping generalizations, I don't like it when other people do it
• realize that false assumptions are made by me and about me
• try to post the real now, and if I have a grain of talent, entertain later
• don't get overconfident when things go well for awhile
• take my own advice--small, manageable steps
• people on the internet are still real people

I recently read a definition of insanity I'd heard before, attributed to Albert Einstein: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

I don't want to censor myself anymore, I'm sick of swallowing the words fighting to get out. Something keeps getting fouled up in the translation between myself and others. From my earliest memories of my mother to this day, I have been watching her ability to communicate, to participate in a common reality, deteriorate to a frightening point. There is a gag in my mouth and a cork in my gut. I'm choking on them. One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood. When I try to express myself, I overexplain, talk too much. It's an epidemic in my family. Nobody ever shuts up. My ears are still ringing from all the noise. Silence was the only stable ground.

Am I looking in a mirror when I look at my mom? Sure, she poured herself into me while I was in the womb. She refilled me daily. She was only fifteen. She's fifteen now, and now I am her mother. Yeah, it truly does suck.

I feel low now. I've felt lower. I seem to bounce back quicker than I used to. I don't ever want to be young again. I will never give up hope. That's a sweeping generalization I can live with. I'm just going to hang around here for a little while and rest. If I have something to say, I'll say it here until I get better at this.