Gravity--it's the law

Notes to self:

• don't post here or comment on anyone else's blog when I have PMS
  
• don't post in the morning
• don't post when my blood sugar is low
• don't post after more than one cocktail
• don't make sweeping generalizations, I don't like it when other people do it
• realize that false assumptions are made by me and about me
• try to post the real now, and if I have a grain of talent, entertain later
• don't get overconfident when things go well for awhile
• take my own advice--small, manageable steps
• people on the internet are still real people

I recently read a definition of insanity I'd heard before, attributed to Albert Einstein: "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

I don't want to censor myself anymore, I'm sick of swallowing the words fighting to get out. Something keeps getting fouled up in the translation between myself and others. From my earliest memories of my mother to this day, I have been watching her ability to communicate, to participate in a common reality, deteriorate to a frightening point. There is a gag in my mouth and a cork in my gut. I'm choking on them. One of my biggest fears is being misunderstood. When I try to express myself, I overexplain, talk too much. It's an epidemic in my family. Nobody ever shuts up. My ears are still ringing from all the noise. Silence was the only stable ground.

Am I looking in a mirror when I look at my mom? Sure, she poured herself into me while I was in the womb. She refilled me daily. She was only fifteen. She's fifteen now, and now I am her mother. Yeah, it truly does suck.

I feel low now. I've felt lower. I seem to bounce back quicker than I used to. I don't ever want to be young again. I will never give up hope. That's a sweeping generalization I can live with. I'm just going to hang around here for a little while and rest. If I have something to say, I'll say it here until I get better at this.